What’s The Difference Between Excellence + Perfectionism?
“Healthy striving is self-focused: “How can I improve?” Perfectionism is other focused: “What will they think?”-Brene Brown
“I want to be exceptional at all I do”, this high-up on the corporate ladder professional and busy Mom told me.
Then she told me that she felt guilty because she felt like all she did was never enough in ANY realm: not in her parenting, her partnership, or her work.
Despite her obvious outward accolades, success, and ability to climb the corporate ladder, she felt like being exceptional was something always just beyond her grasp. It was something to continuously strive for, but not attainable.
Striving for excellence and exceptionalism shows healthy drive and ambition, but can often veer off into perfectionism without realizing it.
The difference between excellence and perfectionism is subtle, but lies in the motive:
Am I doing this to improve and be the best that I can be? Or am I doing this to control how others perceive me?
When we are striving for excellence from a place of perfectionism that we have imposed upon ourselves, we will likely never feel satisfied. It will never feel like enough or like we have ever “arrived”. We feel stuck on a treadmill that never turns off, and we’ve got to keep running.
Often, we run harder and harder, thinking that one day we will “catch up”. We tell ourselves these stories about how once you achieve XYZ or once you reach X point in your life, then you’ll feel good. Unfortunately, those promises almost never deliver, and that same empty feeling still follows you around.
The women I work with want to know in their bones that their best is good enough in their work, their parenting, and their partnership; they want to know that THEY are good enough, despite what culture may say to the contrary. They want to be able to rest and stop the hustle and striving to prove themselves.
Here are some things you can try to start allowing yourself to shift from holding yourself under the weight of perfectionism to healthily striving for excellence:
- Become a master of your thoughts.
Almost always, those of us under the spell of perfectionism have inner thoughts that we likely aren’t even aware of that are telling us that we aren’t enough, we need to do more, that we don’t measure up, etc.
Become a student of those thoughts. Observe them. Write them down if necessary. See what tapes are playing on repeat.
You’ll likely be surprised when you first do this at what is swimming around in your brain and how hard of a taskmaster you may be being on yourself.
Once you have awareness around your thoughts, when you notice them, start to catch yourself more and more quickly and offer yourself grace, compassion, and love instead.
This takes practice and time.
Gently return to yourself over and over again when you find your thoughts slipping into the “I need to be anything other than I am right now” in order to be OK variety.
2. Notice what you do/think when you feel like you’ve “failed”.
When we are striving for anything or trying anything new, failure is just a part of the process and cannot be avoided. How do you talk to yourself and treat yourself when you fail?
Do you notice yourself beating yourself up? Telling yourself that you’ll never get it? Do you feel like failing makes you a failure? Do you feel like you don’t measure up?
All of these things are simply things to notice and get curious about from a place of non-judgment and immense self-compassion. After all, everything we do we do to protect ourselves or protect a past wound.
Once you start to notice these inner dialogues, how can you begin to normalize failure as an integral part of the process that means nothing about your worth or competence? How can you replace the constant inner critique with grace and compassion?
3. Notice what you do when you “succeed”.
Just as important as noticing what you do when you fail is noticing what you do when you succeed. (This can be about anything: work, relationships, parenting, life)
Do you immediately find yourself going into the next thing you need to do/master/become (it’s never enough?)
Or do you allow yourself to celebrate and revel in this win?
Added bonus: I really love to do something with my body to celebrate to bring it down from my mind and logical knowing and into the felt sense of my body. This often means a celebratory dance or two to one of my favorite songs.
Often times if we don’t allow ourselves to pause, acknowledge our win, truly celebrate, and move it from our head down into our body, our body won’t ever register the win at all, and you’ll get right back on that never enough treadmill.
4. Walk in integrity
Walking in integrity means that the things that you value are seen outwardly expressed in your life. This does not mean that they will be expressed perfectly, it means that you get to show up in the fullness of your humanity, choosing to return to your values again and again when you forget (because we all do).
Integrity feels so much more grace-filled than perfection. It also allows for relating human-to-human instead of from a pedestal perched above others that cannot be reached.
Journal Questions for Your Continued Reflection and Integration:
-How would you feel, think, act, behave if you knew that your best was good enough?
-What does perfectionism feel like in your body? What does healthy striving feel like in your body?
-What if showing up in the fullness of your humanity (imperfections and all) was the most powerful thing you could do?
-Where might you be out of integrity? How might you gently and lovingly come back into alignment with yourself?
-What more is available to you right now if you were to let go of perfectionism?
Can you relate to the feeling of guilt that you’re never being or doing enough in any of these realms of life? Comment below and I’ll help any way that I can.
