Have You Ever Had This Happen In A Friendship?

“We aren’t as close of friends as we used to be, and it makes me really sad”, she said, trailing off.

When I asked her what happened, she said she didn’t really know.

There were a few potential incidents that she described to me that she made mean in her head that she did something wrong, but that was all that she could point to.

There had been no conversations between them, and she was left spending a lot of emotional time and energy mulling over what she potentially did wrong. It was eating her up inside, and she felt a lot of grief around the loss of how the friendship used to be.

We all desire deep friendships where we feel like we can be our authentic selves, that we belong.

And yet, most often I see women having inner turmoil with all that is going on inside them about their friendship, and yet being fearful to talk to their friend about it for fear of losing the friendship.

Friendships are such an important part of community and belonging. Difficulties in friendships can be every bit as painful as going through a breakup of a romantic partnership.

There are a few common things that I see women do when a friendship feels troubled that keep them from having the authentic connection and belonging that they crave.

Let’s dive into them and also chat about what to potentially do instead.

1. Make Assumptions.

Without having a conversation or hearing from the other person, all the stories that you make up in your head about what is potentially going on are assumptions-and trust me when I say that assumptions can be totally off base and cause a lot of emotional turmoil.

There is no way of knowing what is going on in someone else’s mind and heart. We notoriously make it about us, and most often, I see women automatically make themselves at fault (which often isn’t the case).

There is so much that we can have no way of knowing, and the only way of knowing is to ask. They could be having personal difficulties, they may be busy with something, they may be working through some big triggers in their life, etc.

Asking doesn’t have to be a whole big conversation. It can be a simple, “I’ve noticed we haven’t been in touch as much recently. Is everything OK?”

This opens the door to hear more and allows the other person to know you’re open to conversation.

Of course, if you do know of something that you did that caused harm or in need of repair, take ownership and seek to make it right. But most often I see women faulting themselves automatically when they aren’t conscious of doing anything wrong, and then spinning out making up lots of stories in their minds.

2. Being unclear on what they want and need in the relationship.

Often when I ask women what they are wanting to see happen differently in their friendship that they are unhappy with or that they perceive is causing the difficulty, they tell me generic things such as:

I want reciprocity.

I want to feel cared for and considered.

I want them to initiate sometimes.

I want to have deeper conversations.

All of these things are great, don’t get me wrong, they just aren’t specific and can mean totally different things to different people.

When you say you want to be cared for and considered, what does that look like for you in your friendship? What things equal being cared for and considered to you? Does that mean texting or calling with a certain frequency? Hanging out with a certain frequency? Checking in with you about things going on in your life?

You get the idea. Two different people can potentially have very different ideas and takes on what it means to care for and consider another person (and therefore may have very different expressions of that).

It’s very difficult to feel fulfilled in any friendship or relationship if you aren’t clear on what makes a relationship feel good to you. What do you want? What do you need? What would feel good?

Get specific. More specific than you think.

3. Not communicate what they want and need in the relationship.

You can’t get what you are wanting in a relationship if you don’t communicate it, and this goes for both parties. If you don’t communicate what you want and need, it leaves room for lots of unspoken expectations, and resentment soon follows.

When we have expectations that aren’t communicated, that isn’t fair to the other person. How can they meet an expectation they know nothing about?

Keeping our wants and desires silent and unspoken is not kindness, despite what culture has tried to tell women for millenia.

Once you have both communicated your wants and needs in your relationship, you can have an honest conversation about your capacity to meet those needs (which mean absolutely nothing about your worthiness to have them met).

If the other person doesn’t have capacity to meet them, it allows you to be honest about your relationship and adjust your expectations accordingly instead of having inner turmoil about it. It also allows you the opportunity to seek for those needs to be met elsewhere if they cannot.

4. Take the other person’s behavior and preferences personally

What the other person is doing and the way they are behaving has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

If a friend doesn’t text, call, or want to get together as frequently as you’d like and that ends up not making you feel cared for, that doesn’t mean that they don’t in fact, care.

It may mean that is just their style of relating, that they are busy, that that’s the way they prefer to communicate, etc. All of this may or may not work for you and your needs, but it still has nothing to do with you, your worth, or your value.

You can make a simple request, “I’d love for us to get together more frequently”, or “I’d love to hear from you more”, and the person can then tell you what their desires are and what their capacity is.

From that communication, you can know whether your expectations are matched, or if there is a mismatch in expectations and capacity to meet them, in which case, you can adjust your expectations of your friendship accordingly.

You deserve to have your needs met in your relationships, and if they are unable or unwilling to, you can seek to get them met in other friendships that are more aligned.

5. Pendulating between either “You can’t change other people” + never expressing your needs, or taking over-responsibility in the relationship.

The pendulum usually swings to one of two sides on this one:

The attitude of “You can’t change other people” (which is abso-freaking-lutely TRUE, might I add) or taking over-responsibility in relationships. These are two sides of the same coin if you ask me.

Although “you can’t change other people” is true, as I said, sometimes this is used as an excuse to not speak up about your needs and the truth of what is going on inside you concerning your friendship at all out of fear.

Yes, you can’t change other people. Also? People can’t read your mind and can’t meet your needs if you don’t express them. Communicating your truth from a centered place allows infinitely more chance of your needs being met.

Often, people will want to meet you in friendship if you express your needs to them.

Sometimes, people won’t have the ability or capacity to do so based on what they have going on in their life.

All of this is simply good information, and allows you to be honest about the state of your friendship and live in congruence with your authentic truth.

Taking over-responsibility looks like making assumptions that whatever is happening in your friendship has to do with you, that you did something wrong, and that it’s all on you to “fix it”.

Being able to take responsibility for yourself, communicate the truth of your needs and desires with clarity from a centered, grounded place, and being able to allow others their own sovereign experience and not take responsibility for them or their actions is the key.

I am responsible for me. You are responsible for you. We can chat about what our needs are and be honest about if we have the capacity to meet them.

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Like all relationships, your relationship with yourself is the basis of your relationship with others, and friendships are no exception.

Communicating those wants and needs from a grounded, centered place then allows you to have clarity on whether or not the person has the capacity to meet those needs.

Being clear on whether or not your friendship is well matched is a way of honoring yourself and honoring the other person. It allows internal peace instead of turmoil, and keeps you in your power.

Journaling Prompts For Your Continued Reflection:

-What do you want and need in your friendships? What would make your friendship feel really good to you?

Be specific. For example, if it’s “to feel considered and cared for”-what makes you feel that way, specifically? What would that look like? Think of how often you’d want that to happen, etc.

-What are some ways that YOU can show up in your friendships that give you what you need in your relationship no matter how the other person is behaving?

For example, one of my primary needs in friendships are deep conversations. How am I facilitating that? Am I asking good questions? Am I going deep with others or shying away?

-What does it cost you to not speak up in your friendships?

-In what ways am I not being true to myself in my friendships?

I’d love to hear from you. If this has ever happened to you in a friendship and you feel called to share, please reach out and let me know. I would love to help in any way that I can.